So one morning last week I walked out of my house to discover two large moths mating on the front grill of my car. Enthralled by their exquisite beauty, I ran back inside to get my camera and began snapping away...
I loved the fact that they were of the same species (Antheraea polyphemus), but had different coloration...
I gently encouraged them off of the car and onto the driveway...
The cats decided to come and investigate, and as I chased them off, the two moths separated...
The orange moth lumbered into the air and gained gracefulness along with altitude as it flew away...the other stayed and allowed me to handle it for a time...
I was fascinated with the eye pattern on the hind wing...so mysterious...
This moth is called the Polyphemus moth and is so named because the large eyespots reminded someone of the Greek giant Polyphemus who had one huge eye in the center of his head...
The morning that I speak of also happened to be the morning of my 40th birthday. I began to wonder if these moths were some sort of sign or symbol. I began thinking of life cycles and the metamorphosis that occurs in many beings. I believe that in these last five years I have gone through an extreme metamorphosis...sometimes I feel that I don't recognize this new self, or perhaps she has always been there, waiting to fly free...
Two days before my 35th birthday, as I was feeding lunch to a 10 month old Fiona, a man came to my door to tell me that his wife (an employee of ours) and my husband (we had been together almost 10 years) had been having an affair for over a year. Evidently, it had started when I was about 3 months pregnant. In hindsight, little things come to my attention, but at the time, I was blindsided. My husband denied it (despite a pile of proof this other man provided), but finally admitted it two months later and said it was over. I had lost 30 pounds in those two months, not able to sleep or eat. Fiona was the one thing that got me out of bed in the mornings. We agreed to try and work it out and did not tell anyone. I was extremely alone during this time, trying to work through feelings of humiliation, anger, disbelief and pain. My husband watched me go through all of this, and did a good job of acting like he was working on our marriage. Very long story short, I found out in January that he had continued the affair the entire time we were "working things out." Something inside of me just snapped. I had turned myself inside-out to "fix" things, was on the brink of emotional, mental and physical breakdown, and this man who professed to love me just watched and continued with the behavior that was wrecking our marriage and our lives. Walking into a divorce attorney's office is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. I thought I was going to be physically sick. I felt like I was destroying my family, but I was not going to allow my daughter to be raised in a household where she learned that it was alright for a man to treat a woman that way. I may have had self-esteem issues at times in my life, but I have always had a good sense of self- worth and I knew I deserved better. That was in January of 2006. The divorce wasn't final until February of 2007. I moved back to my hometown of Austin, TX in October 2006 to begin to pick up the pieces and continue with my life. I was scared to death.
I remember the day that I made the conscious decision to move on. I could be either a bitter, angry person who dwelled on the past, or I could forge a new path for myself and my daughter. I needed to be the best person I could be for her and for me. I had created my first Butterfly Boxes in the spring of 2005 and submitted photos of them to Somerset Studio that fall. In December I received a call from Jenny Doh and she inquired if I wanted to write an article for the magazine. I had to submit that article in February of 2006 and I must admit, with all that was going on in my life, it was one of the last things I wanted to do. But focusing on my art and creating something when so much was being destroyed ended up being a salvation. When I opened up the advance copy and saw my artwork on the cover of the magazine, I began to have a glimmer of what my future could hold...
Looking back over the last five years, I can see the changes that life has wrought upon me. During my first marriage, I lost myself. I was subsumed by this other person's life. I was expected to act and feel a certain way and I changed myself to fit into this mold. I was married to a man who did not support my artistic endeavors. In fact, he once said, "I don't understand why you waste your time gluing together this Mickey Mouse sh**." It was quite startling to me to have friends and family say they were glad to see "me" again after the divorce. To have my sister-in-law tell me how good it was to hear me laugh an honest laugh. I had not realized how little bits and pieces of me had been eaten away, barely noticeable as it occurred, but evident over time. I met an amazing man in May of 2007 and we were married in October of 2008. I was extremely wary of entering into another relationship, enough so that I sort of laid down the law of what I would and would not accept...and Paul was okay with that. With his love and support, along with that of my friends and family, I feel that I am finally coming into my own. I feel stronger and more sure of myself. I have made art a major part of my life. The entire creative process is extremely empowering. My daughter looks up to me and is very proud of my work. I can say the same about her...so proud as she grows into a strong and self-confident little girl. Perhaps my first marriage was akin to a pupal stage where I had cocooned myself in layers of what I wasn't and my divorce was the emergence from this cocoon. I think I am ready to spread my wings and fly...
And here is a recently discovered song, Silver Lining....perhaps a new theme song for me...
"Look, look!/ Up in the sky/You're lifting off the ground/into a silver lining."
"Look, look!/ This is your day/This is your now/don't let it slip away."
"A world of open skies/a life that has no limit/is right before your eyes/you just have to live it."
Happy 40th Birthday to me...
